I had had some more post breast cancer reconstruction surgery and I was feeling increasingly confused. (Sepsis and Surgery) I knew I needed help but was only able to tell my husband, “bandaid” while pointing at my arm, signaling that I needed an IV.
I got to the hospital ER and decompensated precipitously. I started hallucinating. (Sepsis and Hallucinations) I heard strange blasting in my ears like a crazy trombone. I knew I was dying and I was terrified yet I said nothing. I vomited into my oxygen mask before going into the CT scan and thought I would asphyxiate. They finally got me on some fluids and antibiotics and I stabilized.
All night I hallucinated that people were in my room. They just were standing around looking at their phones. I could even describe them. I never told the nurses or doctors. For days after getting home I would catch myself turning to speak to someone who was not there. At Rosh Hashanah my son blew the shofar and I recognized the sound. That was the horn I had heard. I believe I was on my way to the other side but was drawn back. I remember being terrified. It bothers me that I was so terrified of death. I pray that when I do die I will not be so scared.