Dorothy McGrane

I was driving home from a yoga class and suddenly became nauseated – began throwing up in the car. For the next two days I thought I had the flu and I asked my neighbor to get me some chicken soup to get my strength back. That was not helping but I continued to insist I had the flu. Suddenly I collapsed on my kitchen floor and fortunately the same neighbor heard me and called 911. My angel – if she had not heard me I would not be here writing this.

I was rushed into surgery as one of my intestines had ruptured and it sent toxins through my body. I spent a week in the ICU and two weeks in a regular room.

I was transferred by ambulance to a rehab facility, admitted there on a hospital gurney. I was unable to move my legs. I had to have someone roll me over in bed and put a pillow behind me so I wouldn’t roll back. It was there I began my existence in a vegatative state. Honestly, it felt like I was just a “thing” – a vegetable. I had to relearn how to chew, take a shower etc., simple life tasks. And I could not have the TV on – too much stimulation. I wouldn’t get out of my pajamas for quite sometime. That felt threatening to me. They used a Hoyer lift to put me in a wheelchair. I felt very threatened when they insisted I sit in a regular chair – anything new that they wanted me to do caused much anxiety. I was just there doing what they told me to do – walk 10 steps today, 20 tomorrow etc. If someone had said to me that they were getting me ready to have a life again, I know my response would have been “excuse me what’s a life?”

I remember the first time they took me outside in a wheelchair, just before I was getting ready to be released. I was thinking, “this is outside. I know I have been here before but I don’t know what you’re supposed to do outside.”

I want to state. They were just wonderful at this facility, so knowledgeable and supportive. As I said I was admitted on a hospital gurney and I left there with a walker.

I then was transferred to an assisted living facility. I was fine there at first but as my “personhood” began to resurface, as I began think “maybe I am more than just a vegetable.” I was very unhappy to say the least. I was treated the same as the other residents who were there to spend their final days, play bingo, work puzzles, etc. For meals, because they had a captive audience, I guess they felt they could take the easy and inexpensive way out and serve anything, no choices etc. They were treated as if there was not a “person in there.” I was slowly beginning to think, “Maybe I am a person after all.” I would go over to my daughter’s house and sit in her back yard and think, “this is a back yard, there are trees, grass, and an alley. Not sure what to do here but I will sit till I figure it out.” She took me to a park one day and I remember thinking people are having fun here that’s what fun looks like.

Slowly parts of me began to wake up and God and I had a talk, and I said, “God I have now done my time in this type of facility. I’m done. shoot me if you have to but I’m never coming back to a place like this.”

So now I am considered ready for independent living and I moved to a government subsidized rental apartment. Of course all of the experiences there are new. There is much anxiety and relearning. I would sit out by the street and watch the traffic just to see what it was like outside of the 4 walls I was used to. I had an occupational therapist for the first month working with me and she told me what had happened to me was similar to people that had been in a coma. Everything had to be relearned. Everything. And as is natural with anyone facing something new, there is some degree of anxiety: new job, new relationship, etc. And since everything I was doing was “new” to me, anxiety is to be expected.

My daughters had taken me grocery shopping several times as I forgot how to do that and now Sandy, my therapist, would take me to the store and sit outside. I would practice going in alone and practice going through the check out, etc. And then one day she took me to another store that I had been to many times in my “previous” life and I was feeling anxious again. She said, “Yes, you have been to a grocery store but this is a different store than before.”

I need to mention at this time, I was 77 years old when this happened to me a year ago. Healthy as a horse, on no prescription drugs. I did take supplements to help my body do what it was supposed to do. I was very active, drove all over the place, everywhere. In fact, I had just returned from a trip to see my son 2 days before this happened.

Now to continue my story. As I stated, anything that is new to me causes much anxiety but I am so ready to reenter the world, so I challenge myself as often as I can. I am still not able to drive. I can’t concentrate so I take a “share a ride taxi.” I have taken the taxi to Target just to sit there for an afternoon to see what life is like on the outside, watching how people interact, what they are wearing, etc. Recently, I went to a shopping mall and had to sit there for a few hours before I could really move, as it was so much stimulation. And then I was able to do some shopping. I have gone out to lunch by myself and recently I went to a movie. That was daunting, as I really am not able to watch too much TV yet. It is difficult for me to follow a story. I can watch 60 Minutes or Dancing With the Stars. It is coming.

But you know what has been the most distressing and challenging of all is learning how to communicate again. At first I did not know if I could remember how to check in at the doctor’s office or to talk with someone at the service counter at a store. I would do it to try it out and every time I did, I was ok, but I was never sure before hand.

My daughters had to take me for hair cuts as I was not sure how to talk to the beautician. I also am going to PT for my balance and my legs are weak. I get rides from a volunteer group and every time before I go I feel so anxious, not being sure I can talk with the drivers. It has been three months now and I must say my confidence is really growing. I also have been going to the library again just to sit and “reenter” the world.

I am also beginning to be able to go to my daughters’ homes and interact with their families. I always was close to my grandchildren and I had been with them while I was recovering, but I really was not “with” them. My body was but not me. I am now back on track with our relationship.

There are also other challenges I could mention but I want to end this on a positive note. I feel this has a happy ending and it is getting better all of the time. I believe that when a challenge presents itself there is always a blessing attached and the bigger the challenge, the bigger the blessing. So, big blessing and they are still coming.

When I was in the ICU and didn’t know what the heck was going on, my children were by my side and I would look in their eyes. I would see the love coming from them and even better than “seeing” the love, I “felt” the love. I really “felt the energy of the love.” I always knew we always loved each other, but man alive it was palpable. One day in the fall, my son took me to a nature center and I said, “I can hear the wind.” “I can “hear” the wind like never before,” and the colors of the flowers were so vibrant. I always loved flowers but these were extra vibrant and, of course, I appreciate other things that I took for granted before.

I must be honest also, not every day is like that. There are many days I wake up and it is so difficult to face the day – having flashbacks. And also many days I fear of the future. I had to file for bankruptcy and throughout my entire life, I had paid my bills every month – never even just the minimum. My sisters help me out with the extras which I am so thankful for.

I feel so out of control, but guess what? I have always been looking for God and this experience has really enhanced my spirituality. I have always been looking for God and now I am getting closer and closer to the truth that GOD is in control and not to fear. When I was semi conscious in the ICU I would hear the voice of my yoga teacher who is from India. He was saying, as he so often reminded us, “All is well. All shall be well.”

I had told my children as soon as I was able to speak, “I am coming out of this better than when I went in.” I pray and meditate every day and night, I so want to release my fear and trust LOVE. That would surely be the blessing for me.

If there is anyone out there who would ever like to communicate by phone or email, I would welcome that.

Wishing all of you to know, “All is well,” “All shall be well.” We were kept alive for a reason.