Tina M.

Today is my 30 day anniversary of being released from hospital-a milestone in itself.
I had my gallbladder removed May 26th, and complications from that surgery (due to my chronic illness) had me re-admitted to the hospital twice in June. (Sepsis and Surgery, Sepsis and Impaired Immune System) There were rogue gall stones, strictures in my bile duct, a stent had to be placed. I was finally released June 11-just in time for my niece’s drive through graduation ceremony June 13. I wanted to dress up, and have a nice lunch delivered. I woke up that day and just-couldn’t. I was so tired I felt like I was underwater. I was able to shower and put on leggings. When we got home I realized I was freezing-I had the kids bringing me blankets-5 of them-and a heating pad-teeth still chattering, when Mariah said “maybe we should take your temperature.” I remember 102.5, and 103.5. I remember not believing it, and not wanting the kids to call the nurse. I just kept saying “I am NOT going back to the hospital” I kept thinking the thermometer was wrong. I think my son called the nurse and they finally convinced me to go. I owe my children my life.

Now this part-I will be eternally grateful to the nurses and doctors in the ER at Renown Medical Center-they recognized the sepsis symptoms and I was in a room with IV antibiotics within an hour or so. I knew something wasn’t right when they kept checking on me in the waiting room-“we’re getting you right back there, hang in there!” Low blood pressure-84/54 and dropping. Chills so strong, like mini convulsions. High fever-103.5. Fast heart rate-90 something-are all indicative of sepsis. Two positive blood cultures. Lactic acidosis and liver enzymes of the charts- organ failure. I remember the doctor saying he was worried about me, and that I was going to need ICU. I remember him saying “you got here just in time” I remember laughing in his face, not believing I was in the hospital AGAIN! And this time on death’s door! I remember asking if I was dead, when I saw my blood pressure. I remember them wanting to pack me in ice, and refusing that but demanding Tylenol-which I couldn’t have, as my liver failing. I remember wanting to just shut my eyes and quit, I was SO TIRED. I also remember, very clearly, saying to myself “This is when you tell yourself to fight”

It took about 3 days before I realized I had sepsis, and how serious it was. For some reason the ER doctor used the archaic term “blood poisoning” I finally asked a nurse “is blood poisoning sepsis?” She said yes, and that’s when it sunk in that I might not make it. I remember texting my girlfriend saying “I have sepsis, this is bad” and her saying she was scared too, but I had to stay. It wasn’t my time to go anywhere. I couldn’t stay awake that day, and I remember knowing I needed to sleep, but being afraid I wouldn’t wake up.

The antibiotics kicked in pretty quickly-I had negative blood cultures 3 days later. My blood pressure and liver, however, had different ideas. I’m consistently in the 90/60 range, and they found an abscess on my liver. We finally got me stabilized enough, and I was released on June 18, after massive IV antibiotics, a stent replacement, and a plan to monitor my liver, which took quite the hit.

Will I ever be back to pre-sepsis Tina? It’s too soon to tell. I lost the month of June-my memory is so spotty. My liver is still broken, and my blood pressure is still chronically low. My immune system has not recovered, and I have neutropenia-I can’t fight off infection. I’m exhausted all of the time. I have no motivation to do anything. I no longer sleep through the night. I’ve had to start an anxiety medication. I feel different, personality wise. Things that were so important before are just-not. Eye shadow palettes, hair salons, new clothes-why? My eyes seem to have a new weariness about them. Perhaps a sadness.And the combination of fear/acceptance, of what this could mean for me long term, is never far from my mind.

For now I plan on just doing my best to be kind to myself, trying to raise awareness, and taking care of myself the best I can. And to remember that little voice that said “fight this”