Dan Gilliam

Survivor

December 6, 2012 I was admitted to the University of Cincinnati Hospital with severe respiratory distress and organ failure. Within a day I was in septic shock. I was intubated and on a ventilator for 3 weeks in ICU. My family was told I would not make it. I had terrifying, vivid delusions while in the coma and for a week afterward. These still haunt me in my sleep and and waking hours.

After a short stint in rehab to learn to walk again I was sent home with no instructions and left to follow-up with a pediatrician. Though her intentions were good, my doctor was not equipped to treat my PTSD, depression, muscle weakness, anxiety, neuropathy, etc. (Sepsis and PTSD) I struggled mightily, mostly alone, the first 2 years and ended up in a psych hospital for suicidal ideation. This got me in touch with doctors who evaluated me with all the symptoms I mentioned above. My life was saved again and I’m grateful.

The reality of my current existence is that I am now all about accepting the new version of me that walked out of the hospital 4 1/2 years ago. I cannot do what I used to and my mind is not the same (I’ve also been diagnosed with major cognitive damage), so I do what I can and try not to complain. Social life is particularly difficult as no one seems to remember what I told them (even last week) about what happened to me and they expect me to be normal. “You look normal,” they say, but I’m not. The new normal for me is exhaustion, muscle weakness, isolation, extreme night sweats, etc. Waking up each morning is the beginning of another day spent trudging uphill so I don’t waste away into oblivion. (Sepsis and Post-Sepsis Syndrome) However, I do find much solace in being helpful others. Self-pity is my enemy and helping others takes the legs out from under the sometimes suffocating depression. So does therapy and medication. Life is not the same, but I am alive and today will make the most of it. I’m still here!

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